why even street sexual harassment is hard to get over
by lemonadeandlemoncake
Nearly a month ago, Tasha over at redvinylshoes.com pointed out that street harrassment season is here. it\’s like christmas, but for boys masquerading as men. In the post she pointed out that even this kind of harassment is traumatizing, though it isn’t rape or violent assault, and it’s disappointing that women get shamed for having a hard time. I haven’t had to deal with it much in my adult life, which I’m lucky for, but once is enough. Or twice, in my case. One of which was street harassment gone physical, but not aggressive.
For months after the incident, I had a really, really hard time trusting any men, which I had a hard time with in the first place, due to the previous, more socially-acceptable-as-traumatizing incident. Even writing this blog has got me upset, a full year later, but this stuff is important to talk about – I’m not alone here. I was in a bar (for the last one), which is where the victim blaming starts. “Why didn’t you just kick him in the balls? Game over.”
Or the classic…”Drunk guys hang out at bars. What did you expect? Go to a coffee shop next time.” While, yes, the dude deserved a good kicking, it’s not always that simple. I’m not the kind of girl who uses physical aggression, and I really shouldn’t have to just to feel safe having a drink with a few friends.
And I shouldn’t have to justify why I was having a drink at a bar with a few friends. It’s an innocent enough activity. Socializing, telling jokes, gossiping. It’s part of what people *do.* Simply being a woman shouldn’t disqualify me from hanging out at a bar with my friends. Plus, you never know when you WILL need to use physical force.
This interaction in particular started out ‘innocent’ enough. Creepy stares, which I could just ignore and talk to my friends. Then he’d walk over and stand WAY too close to me, be all awkward with not letting the conversation end, so I let him know I was already talking to someone. Then he wouldn’t let my hand go, and I started to get uncomfortable. I ended up telling him, very firmly, but not bitchy, to leave me alone, please. I appreciate the flirting (though I didn’t, but good girls always appreciate sexual attention, unwanted or not) but I was NOT INTERESTED.
He got quite offended, which I didn’t give a crap about. People later told me he was just playing with me here, but that doesn’t really make a difference to me. Unwanted sexual attention, crossed boundaries= not okay, no matter what. He let me talk to my friends for a while before coming back, significantly more drunk, leaning over my shoulder and dramatically apologizing for being such a dick. I really just wanted him to go away – no apology necessary.’
Later on, as we’d bar-hopped, he took it one step further despite my constant ‘don’t touch me’s ‘no’s and ‘go away’s and drunkenly rubbed his crotch up against me, earning an elbow in the stomach and a screamed ‘FUCK OFF AND LEAVE ME ALONE.’ This embarrassed him, yeah, and I was fucking lucky that he walked away, because he was getting scary angry. I was fuming, of course, and upset. But the self-proclaimed feminist of the group merely told me that my problem was ‘you hate men.’ Why though?
Why is it that a woman with firm boundaries ‘hates men’ and is a tight ass bitch? My boundaries may not be your ideal, but they are mine, and I’m sticking to them. I had several really good guy friends at the time, and I wouldn’t let any of them touch me, even on the hand. I wasn’t trying to be so touchy, it was just that, no matter how nice the guy is, when someone violates your space, you start doubting whether to let other people in. More to the point – this – sexual harassment – it’s not funny- it’s a BIG DEAL.
I was sitting in a church group once and one of the guys in the group remarked that some women really just needed to chill on the whole sexual harassment thing and just take a joke. Uh…no thanks. I really DON’T need to take a joke because my body is MINE. Not yours. I’m not public property to look at and touch. I’m a person.
Anywhere, especially at work, I deserve – just like you – to be treated just like any other person – not a sex object and public property just because of my breasts. It makes me shudder even more because it was a man claiming the name of Jesus who said that – a class of men who should treat women with respect above all else because they are God’s daughters and to be treated with honor. We don’t have to ‘just get over’ unwanted sexual advances. We shouldn’t bear the responsibility of making them stop either (pepper spray, self-defense classes.) I hear women saying ‘I’m not dumb enough to do that…’ in reference to unlocking their doors, walking to their car alone at night, wearing a cleavagy top, as if doing any of those things gives permission for sexual harrassment/assault to occur.
While self-defense is good because it makes you feel safer, it’s not the woman’s responsibility to stop this. Rape is the responsibility of the rapist- that’s it. That’s all. Don’t give a crap what the girl was doing to ‘deserve it.’ No one asks for it. That goes for sexual harassment, too.
And it is a big deal, it’s a big thing. Don’t minimize it. What, are we just supposed to accept that we have breasts and asses for the purpose of immature men to ogle at and touch without asking? Is that supposed to be something that’s just ‘okay’ with us because ‘that’s the way it is’? Fuck no. I’m not asking the moon and stars here.
Treat womens’ bodies with respect- that means respecting boundaries and backing off when uncomfortable, and not shouting and whistling at women from cars. Men of God, this especially goes for you. There is NO excuse, ever, for sexual harassment or rape, but you are held to a higher standard in how you treat women and you are NOT to take part in rape culture. If you come across someone who’s upset because of sexual harassment she endured, don’t minimize it, please, and respect her need for space until she feels safe again. It’s not fun, having those boundaries crossed. And it matters- a lot.
You are insane if you think you are making a valid point. This concept of ‘education of womens feeling and rights’ misses the mark entirely because of your subject emphasis; is rape. (And rape culture? You must be kidding!) No shit it’s not accepted! No shit it’s not tolerated! But it will happen because BAD PEOPLE EXIST. Not because men lack the proper sensitivity. If you had real world experience you would already know this and you would not have to make up stories and ‘friends that said’ to state your clique and bigoted opposite view point. Poor writing my dear. Now be a real woman and leave this post up! Take the criticism as harsh as you like to hand out!
Yerp. Insane. Being raped and sexually harassed doesn’t count as real world experience. You’re right, girl. I’m making it up, just because you think I am, which doesn’t demonstrate rape culture at all (victim blaming, she’s just making all this up to get attention). Guess what, I’ve heard that once before. When was this? OH YEAH. When I was raped. Oh, and how wonderful – the ‘real woman’ stance. Good to know I’m not a ‘real woman’ if I don’t want to deal with trolls.
Jen, just because you refuse to get the point of this post doesn’t make the woman who wrote it insane.
Clearly your personal values differ greatly related to unwanted actions taken against women by men. If you are okay with certain actions that only applies to actions taken against you. Just as men have no right to cross women’s personal boundaries, you have no right to nullify other people’s personal boundaries.
The willingness to nullify another person’s boundaries is needed for people to justify the types of sex crimes you would never mock. Bad people don’t just exist, they are formed by the beliefs they hold and the standards they are held to.
First question, did you actually read this before you hit enter, or did you just type a bunch of crap and hit submit? If you do not educate men that women have rights and feelings, then they will learn from the TV. Rape does not happen because bad people exist, rape happens because rapists are not drug into the street and shot. Men are treated with a “boys will be boys” attitude and they learn that they can treat women however they want. I went to my neighborhood bar on a weeknight with a couple of girlfriends after work, and this drunk guy starts following me around telling me i’m a goddess and he wants to worship me. After I told him nicely that i didn’t date drunk assholes and to please fuck off and have a nice day, he proceeded to get on all fours and lick my foot (i was wearing sandals). I stepped on his neck and drove his face into the floor. His girlfriend then appeared, yelling at me for “hitting on her man” and i informed her this town has laws that all dogs must be on leashes. My friends and i left, confused and alarmed. This man harrassed and accosted me in front of many witnesses and his girlfriend was mad at me. Does that make sense in your world? Does it make sense in a country where we pride ourselves of home of the free and land of the brave it is fine for someone to talk about their ideals, but it is not safe for a woman to have a drink at her local bar? In another instance, i was on a first date with a man i didn’t know very well, when he reached out and grabbed a handful of my breast. This is in full view of the waitstaff, customers, god, and everyone. I proceeded to donkey kick him to the floor and kicked him in the ribs on my way out. The kind waitresses called me a cab, and one even offered to drive me. They told me they had seen men behave that way before, but it was very rare for the woman to even get upset. Granted, I am not condoning violence, but i like to make sure my point gets across. Shrugging off actions only teaches men in general, not just the one accosting people but also everyone that watches what happens, that such behavior is acceptable. I hope i showed at least one man that touching a woman inappropriately is not just not ok, but can get you beaten up. For some, that is all they learn, but at least they learned something.
‘rape happens because rapists are not drug into the street and shot.’ best comment ever. thanks cody.
What the fuck is wrong with you? How can you just assume some one made that up? Why would some one make up being raped, or being sexauly harassed? Are you actually so ignorant to society you live in as to think that these things rarely happen? Do you really think that drunk people do not behave horribly inapropriate ways and that people do not blame the victem? Have you ever taken classes, in pychology socilogy? How about Criminal justice? Do you read news paper reports on volient crimes? How about satisitic on rape reports and convictions. (These are only the reported ones). Clearly you are a fool.
You are a horribly insensitive human being.
Ooops, meant as a reply to the first post >_<
[...] why even street sexual harassment is hard to get over « Iced Tea … [...]
[...] why even street sexual harassment is hard to get over « Iced Tea … [...]
ihatethismess, over at tumblr, (not made up, haha) had this to say.
http://ihatethismess.tumblr.com/
* ugh. my stomach hurts. it took me awhile to read this and then i just stopped. but i’m so flattered you would come to me because i am not that eloquent, anyways:
* rape is denounced…but only if the woman isn’t asking “for it”. we live in a culture where women are still viewed as baby machines always ready for a man’s pleasure and incapable of making her own decisions. if she a woman wants to wear a short skirt, for instance and she gets “hit on” aka street harassed she’s suppose to be flattered because obviously she doesn’t dress for herself, she dresses for men, why else would she look like that? she’s not suppose to be shocked when men, who feel entitled to disrespect , call her names , follow her and maybe even try to rape her. rape culture is just part of a larger culture where men feel entitled to do these things. obviously rapists are just bad people, but behaviors are learned. is this making sense?
* look all around you, and you see how women are treated. they use scantily clad women in deodorant commercials always ready to please men. this is instilled from a young age. ok so some people may think, well only women who dress “provocative” are raped. this is not true. since we were kids
* we learned don’t go out alone you’ll be raped, don’t talk to strangers you’ll be raped, don’t be drunk you’ll be raped etc etc etc. but the thing is all this rape talk is directed at girls and never boys. and most women who are raped aren’t raped by random strangers in the bushes but by acquaintances, boyfriends, husbands etc etc.
* rape culture exist because women always have to be aware of their surroundings and if someone happens to them it is always their fault. only 2% of rapists are actually convicted. rape survivors rarely report their crimes because they are always being revictimized. all of a sudden their sexual history comes into play, what they were wearing matters, if they were drunk. these things shouldn’t matter yet, people use this as an excuse to protect rapists. that doesn’t really make much sense. the minute someone says no, or if there is a lack of consent, or if they are unable to consent( like if they were inebriated) it’s rape, but the feelings of these women are disregarded. that’s rape culture.
You make a good point. Most rape is carried out by people that victim knows. Here is a crazy story for you. I worked at the movie store. Our uniform was balck pants, plack top. My tops never showed much. So I was modestly dressed. This kid comes into the store, asks me to find him a movie. I, not thinking anything of this, go back to the section to get this movie for the customer. (Good customer service yeah?) He followed me, pined me in the back, and kissed me. Didn’t ask, totally stepped out of his bounds. While it might not seem like a big deal, it was. I was 16 or 17 years old. It was scary as hell! I called my dad to come into the mall to get me and walk me out. And we, me and the girl working with me, couldn’t do anything about it but all security. I wasn’t dressed scanky, I didn’t have on make up, I was at work for heavens sake! I should have been safe at work. But I wasn’t.
Rape education should not start with girls, but boys. If our culture starts with boys then we can go on to girls. But no one wants to talk about rape or sexual harassment because 1.) its uncomforable, and 2.) people feel sexual harassment isn’t a big deal. But it is!
Whoa, Liz. Did you press charges against that guy? There’s no way that’s ‘not a big deal’!
‘I should’ve been safe at work’ is exactly right and it’s INSANE that you had to put up with it. GAH!
I would like to see rape education for boys, but unfortunately all I really see is ‘girls=do this and you won’t get raped’ instead of ‘boys- fuck off.’ i mean, there’s plenty of ‘no means no’ but it’s overbalanced with ‘…but, really, short skirts mean yes’ etc etc.
i think to avoid sexual harassment is to avoid those place that harassers lurk, like on the club. if you wanted to go there better stick with a group not all alone.
I was with a group, and sexual harassers lurk everywhere. my point is that it’s not my responsibility to ‘avoid’ them.
Yet again a number of commentators have focused on telling women how they should avoid male sexual harassment and/or other forms of male sexual violence. On no account must men and boys be held accountable and responsible for their abusive behaviour.
Men and boys do not suddenly decide to engage in violating women’s and girls’ right of bodily autonomy, rather it is learned behaviour and must be challenged by women and men too.
The only way women and girls can ensure their safety is by removing themselves to an island wherein no men exist but this would be unacceptable to the male supremacist society, because women and girls must always be made available 24/7 for male abuse if the male(s) choose. Women and girls continue to be denied their right of bodily autonomy and this ‘right’ is only accorded to men and boys.
Instead women and girls are treated both publicly and privately as males’ sexual possessions and whenever a woman/girl dares to challenge male abuse of power immediately the apologists clamour to blame the woman/girl.
News flash – women’s and girls’ bodies are not male possessions and we have the innate right of owning our boundaries. No one and I repeat no one has the right to invade a woman’s/girl’s boundaries but because males are accorded this pseudo right by our male supremacist society, this means women and girls are always held responsible never the male perpetrator(s).
This is called a Rape Culture and it exists because men and boys must never be held responsible for violating women’s bodies and women’s space.
Many women collude in condoning our rape culture but what these women forget is that being female is sufficient in itself for men to view as ‘suitable targets.’ Hoping to gain male protection by excusing/justifying male perpetrators will not work – it only endorses and justifies male violence and male coercion of women and girls.
Thank you, jennifer. You describe rape culture very eloquently. When people ask me what it is I usually find it difficult to articulate even though I know its here because it affects me.
[...] why even street sexual harassment is hard to get over « Iced Tea … [...]
Is it just me or are most of these commenters completely insane? They MUST be attempting (poorly) to troll you, there’s no other even borderline rational explanation for them.
How is it not a simple idea to say don’t touch me, and don’t talk to me or about me (meaning to be overheard) in a sexualized way, particularly if you’re a stranger?!?! It’s basic etiquette, and drunk people aren’t exempt from it, no matter what I’m wearing.
Then he wouldn’t let my hand go, and I started to get uncomfortable.
Ah, from vast personal experience with an enormous amount of creepy attention from men, to me personally that would have been a clear signal of danger. Men like him receive a (1)polite response to not just (2)boundary violation but (3) physical captivity and know with the absolute certainty of a predator that you are victim material. In retrospect, that was the point where you needed to be what he would call a total bitch.
I’m NOT blaming you, it took me years of constant “compliments”, many of which would escalate to something far worse, to figure that crap out on my own because I was so naive and gullible and brainwashed to always be polite even when someone was clearly violating my boundaries. That polite response is precisely why they like young girls (and the younger the better) — it does take years to figure out that what we are taught about all men isn’t true at all about many. So young women and girls tend to make excellent prey. Not your fault!
I doubt if “Jen” is really female. While women do spout misogynist crap, there is a certain type of nonsense which even they won’t spew.
That wasn’t just mere victim-blaming, that was an outright statement claiming the male right of access to female bodies. He said “bad people do bad things” not “bad men do bad things” which minimizes just who is committing all the sexual violence while suggesting that “we can’t stop them and we can’t stop men wanting to rape women”.
Nope, it’s a dood. Even a female wouldn’t say that. He also indicated he knew what rape culture is, and that society finds rape culture unacceptable. But rape culture exists precisely because all those rape permissive myths ARE accepted by society, so his comment makes no sense. Most misogynists nowadays realize that an outright denial of sexism would eliminate every shred of credibility they have, so they tend to minimize sexism instead.
He also spent a great deal of his brief comment telling you how to do feminism right. lol
yeah its a troll with a fake email.
i think we make excellent prey because we’re taught to be polite.
excellent, well written piece. i agree completely. sexual harrassment is not something you should ‘just get over’. it should never be trivialised; it’s just low.
[...] it!’ Again with my oversensitivity, or having been raped and had an intense episode with sexual harassment but I don’t know how to just ‘ignore’ shit like this and shrug it off. Men never [...]
Great idea, thanks for this post!
Great idea, but will this work over the long run?
It’s crazy some of the places you think you’d never get sexually harrassed but do. At my alumni community college, I was once harrassed (just because I wanted to try to get to know someone new) by some creeper who posed as a student among other things and possibly high on drugs. He was able to walk into the ARC and it was such horrible day, thank god I had some friends around to check the guy out on myspace and find out some things about him. I think back to that day and I think if at the very least I hadn’t had gone over to his table to watch illegally downloaded movies, or slapped him when he took my hand within minutes of meeting me, I wouldn’t had to deal with what I dealt with. It’s crazy, I was taught to be nice to anyone and everyone and don’t judge by a person’s looks. But seriously some of the ugliest and craziest people I’ve met sexually harrassed me.